“Reminiscing in the drizzle of
Portland, I notice the ring that’s
landed on your finger, a massive
insect of glitter, a chandelier
shining at the end
of a long tunnel. Thirteen years
ago, you hid the hurt
in your voice under a blanket and
said there’s two kinds
of women—those you write
poems about
and those you don’t. It’s true. I
never brought you
a bouquet of sonnets, or served
you haiku in bed.
My idea of courtship was tapping
Jane’s Addiction
lyrics in Morse code on your
window at three A.M.,
whiskey doing push-ups on my
breath. But I worked
within the confines of my
character, cast
as the bad boy in your life, the
Magellan
of your dark side. We don’t have
a past so much
as a bunch of electricity and
liquor, power
never put to good use. What we
had together
makes it sound like a virus, as if
we caught
one another like colds, and
desire was merely
a symptom that could be treated
with soup
and lots of sex. Gliding beside
you now,
I feel like the Benjamin Franklin
of monogamy,
as if I invented it, but I’m still not
immune
to your waterfall scent, still
haven’t developed
antibodies for your smile. I don’t
know how long
regret existed before humans
stuck a word on it.
I don’t know how many paper
towels it would take
to wipe up the Pacific Ocean, or
why the light
of a candle being blown out
travels faster
than the luminescence of one
that’s just been lit,
but I do know that all our huffing
and puffing
into each other’s ears—as if the
brain was a trick
birthday candle—didn’t make the
silence
any easier to navigate. I’m sorry
all the kisses
I scrawled on your neck were
written
in disappearing ink. Sometimes I
thought of you
so hard one of your legs would
pop out
of my ear hole, and when I was
sleeping, you’d press
your face against the porthole of
my submarine.
I’m sorry this poem has taken
thirteen years
to reach you. I wish that just
once, instead of skidding
off the shoulder blade’s precipice
and joyriding
over flesh, we’d put our hands
away like chocolate
to be saved for later, and
deciphered the calligraphy
of each other’s eyelashes,
translated a paragraph
from the volumes of what
couldn’t be said.”

Those who know me well know my fear of the dangerously deep and dark hell that is The Friendzone. This is-indeed-the place where dreams go to die. How do I know? I’ve been an avid resident in this infinite hell hole. Thankfully though-I found a back door that leads right out of there. I wasn’t easy leaving though. I had to chose between liberty and forever being bound by chains of hugs; affectionate glances and comments such as “You make me so happy”. Thankfully my ancestors are strong and their wisdom guided me out (lol) Some aren’t as lucky as i was though and are always fooled by friendly gestures so let me school you on how to escape the snare of the Friendzone Devil.

1. Learn to be impartial. When your subject (Jimmy; Sally; Zinhle or Ndumi…what ever their name is) gestures to you in any way that makes you feel ‘special’ ALWAYS ask yourself,” If this was someone else would they seem as romantic? Have i escalated this moment to the proportions of incredibility when this is in fact a normal exchange between good friends?”

2. Do NOT and I repeat… DO NOT bring them close to your family!!!!!!! You don’t want to be reminded just how much they are not yours. Family has a tendency to ask questions about your single status when they see you enjoy someone’s company and when they realise that you’re just friends they will want to push you together (which makes things even worse). I made this mistake really early and it hurts to be asked all the time where he is; what he does; when he’s coming around to visit and why we aren’t together. 

3. Do not give them any of your stuff as “sentimental keep-sakes”! This always end badly because your initial decision to give your property away is for them to get closer and closer to you and they DON’T. What DOES end up happening though is that you keep being reminded of how you epically failed at getting ‘the love of your life’ to love you back.

4. Don’t involve them in every facet of your life. It gets harder and harder to forget them and move on when you keep being reminded of them at every turn.

5. Finally- JUST WALK AWAY! It’s the decision to walk away from a one-sided friend/relationship that changes everything. Take it one day at a time.

#Friendzone